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Disclaimer - if you don't like miserable woe-is-me blog posts (and I don't blame you for that, lol), you should probably stop reading right now. I'm going to vent about some things, and I think it's going to get long and boring. :)

I'm feeling pretty miserable these days. I'm lonely and homesick (since my parents and siblings are no longer in Utah I guess I miss my family more than "home," but I miss "The West" in general - and I miss all my Utah peeps, too). I'm bored out of my mind, and it's driving me crazy...

The area of the country in which we live is beautiful. Lots of trees, lots of green... I can't stand it. I miss the mountains. The trees make me feel claustrophobic. I'd give anything to see a horizon. I still can't find my way around without a GPS because the darned trees and winding roads make it impossible for me to get my bearings. I absolutely despise the bugs and the humidity.

Did I mention that I'm lonely? We have a great ward - lots of nice people who really made us feel welcome when we moved here. Problem is - they all have close friends and/or family here. So while it's great to say "hi" to everyone on Sundays, we don't really do anything with anyone outside of church.

Some of the women in the ward have a playgroup on Wednesdays, but since I don't have a car, I can't go most weeks. I could probably drive George to work on Wednesdays, but our car has so many miles on it that I feel guilty putting any more miles on it than absolutely necessary.

I miss having friends that I could call at random and ask them to go to Target or Costco with me. Or having friends over on the weekend to watch movies or play video games. Like I said, everyone from church has other friends (the dental students all hang out, the medical students all hang out, and the natives all kind of flock together). I'm sure I'm suffering from nostalgia and "grass is greener" syndrome, but I don't remember kids being such a detriment to having a semblance of a social life until we moved here. Seems like nobody can do anything on the evenings or weekends (which is the only time I have a car), because they have to take care of the kids.

I know my life wasn't perfect before I moved here. I no longer had a best friend who was willing to hang out with me on a regular basis. In fact, most of our "closest friends" had pretty much abandoned us, which is part of what made the decision to move here so easy. But at least I was only one state away from my parents, so I saw them every few months. I also had a brother who would come and visit on occasion. And we lived within walking distance (not that we ever walked - we always drove) of Sasquatch's parents. We were in the same apartment complex as his sister. My girls had cousins to play with! And even when I didn't have friends to keep me company, I had family. Whom I didn't appreciate nearly enough. In addition to the family dinners (which I miss desperately), we also had a regular babysitter at least a couple times a month. I can't even tell you the last time I went out on a date with my husband - we can't afford a sitter here.

I'm dreading the Holidays. The 4th of July was bad enough. Halloween has me pretty depressed - I miss the days when we'd take The Princess trick-or-treating and then spend time with my dad to wish him a happy birthday. I want to cry when I think about Thanksgiving. And don't even make me think about Christmas. I really really really miss my families...

I feel like I'm failing in my church calling. I don't really feel like I fit in with the rest of the presidency, and I'm the least organized person I know. I feel like they really should have given the secretary calling to someone who remembers to do things in a timely fashion and can at least get to church on time (since Relief Society is the first meeting).

Anyway, that's about it. I'm bored, lonely, miserable, and worried about money. I'm wondering why we moved here. We've prayed about moving closer to home, but the answer we've received is that we're supposed to stay here. I really wish I could see into the future and know why we're supposed to stay here. Maybe that would make it easier to be cheerful about it. Maybe not. It's really hard to be positive at times, and I know that's not fair to my husband and kids. Sasquatch works SO hard to make all of us happy, and I feel beyond guilty when I'm depressed and it makes him feel like he's not doing enough. And then I feel worse because I feel guilty. Which makes him feel worse... You get the picture - it's a nasty cycle.

I know I should work harder to get involved, but I don't know how to do that when I don't have a car to get out and do things. We don't live within walking distance of anything, so walking Sparky to the park during the day isn't even an option. The Princess even has to be driven to school because it's not within walking distance.

I try to maintain hope that things might change at some point. I'm hoping that our finances will improve and we'll be able to afford a second car, which will open up a whole world of possibilities... But I'm trying so hard not to live by the "I'll be happy when XX happens" mentality. It's incredibly difficult, though. I don't know how to be happy right now. I dread the weekdays because they drag on forever until The Princess and Sasquatch get home. I really just don't know what to do to make things better right now... And yes, I'm already taking medication, thank you very much. ;)

I'm really embarrassed for posting this. It's such a negative post, and I'll probably end up deleting it soon. But I'm hoping that by putting it all down in writing I might be able to start working through it. I know I have so many things for which to be grateful - it's just hard to remember those things sometimes...

TheNuttalls  – (October 19, 2009 at 7:43 AM)  

I love you, I know it is rough I am going through the some of the same issues with needing a bigger car wanting to be close to family but wanting a house. We really love you, and hope to be able to see you soon.

momg57  – (October 19, 2009 at 10:04 AM)  

I love you so much. I would give anything to visit every month. I am still working on getting there in December. I know you're on meds, but either they need to be adjusted, changed, or therapy added - been there done that, keep working on it. I really understand the "not seeing the horizon" - physically and emotionally. You can get through this. Hang in there sweetheart!

herndavernda44  – (October 19, 2009 at 11:02 AM)  

I love you too, kiddo! Even more than bacon! And for the record, I want a flying car. And a Star Trek transporter... "Beam me up some Carolina BBQ, Scottie!!"
Hugs to All you Southerners,
Dad Gee

The Goldsmith's  – (October 20, 2009 at 5:09 PM)  

Wow, I think that takes the cake for a "woe is me post"! I have been there, hang in there. It's hard but it will get easier with time, prayer, and patience.

G-pa "Clover"  – (October 20, 2009 at 8:23 PM)  

Hey there Shesee. Here comes the fatherly advise such as it is. You can take it or leave it but I hope that you will take some of it to heart.

First things first. You have a testimony of the gospel. You and "G" fasted and prayed before you made the final decision to move to North Carolina. You fasted and prayed when you felt like you wanted to leave and move closer to family here in the west. You both got the unmistakable prompting that you were to stay where you are. What I need you to do now is to relax and go with the answer you received for right now.

Now I want you to become a little selfish. I know you are worried about the car and the extra miles but I think that it will be okay if you take a personal play day when you have the opportunity. This is important for both you and for Kairi and for Malia.

We are all self conscience when we receive a new calling especially one that is a little more critical. The best advise I can give is to remember that God gives us these calling so we can grow. So, relax make mistakes and learn from them. Just do the very best that you can. That is all he requires.

Please do not delete your post. It's important to get your feelings out and it's important to be able to review them later on. You'll see that as you grow these challenges won't seem so bad. I don't know why you are supposed to be there but you are. Stay close to the gospel, continue to grow your business and be there for your family. They need you and you need them.

As far as your meds are concerned, listen to your heart and more importantly listen to the Dr.'s. Loneliness can't be treated with medication. The best cure is to reach out to others. Again be a little selfish for a little while and use the car if you need to or ask for a ride from someone if possible. It's a great way to be with people and it gives them the opportunity for service blessings.

Start making plans early for the holidays. We'll keep our fingers crossed that mom57 can make it out there for December. If we had the $ you know we would be there as well. We're working on it but we're learning patience too.

We love you tons. Hang in there, I know that things will get better soon. I can just feel it. You can call me anytime if you want to talk.

Remember you are always my little girl and I love you tons.

The Thomas Family  – (October 22, 2009 at 10:34 AM)  

Shallyse! Geez... I feel the same way sometimes, trust me. And no, lots of people don't already have their friends or only hang out with dental, MD people, although it may seem that way. :)
I wish I could do more--I still would love to pick you up for play group, even if it is cut short because I need to pick up Benson. But let's have a girl's night soon!!

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